Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
it was like eating out sand paper
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Randomize