i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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