either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
