im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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