tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
