He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
