I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
