just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
