just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
