one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
