My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
