Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
