Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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