he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
