the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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