Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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