pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
