fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
