I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize