so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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