I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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