naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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