how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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