Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
zippers are such a cool invention
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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