I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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