I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
