Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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