he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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