New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
