You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
