Your dad touched me again.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
