Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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