this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
