just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
