My underwear smells like fireworks.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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