What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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