Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I am midnight drunk by noon
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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