the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
