I met the friendliest cop last night
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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