So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm sobbing to NWA
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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