i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she pinky promised me she was 18
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize