you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
