I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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