I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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