Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
