Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
