WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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