Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
