Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize