Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You can't just leave with hair like that
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
