Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
