Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I think i got beer on your cat.
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