my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
how drunk are you?
Several
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
