I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
