I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
