Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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