Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
