i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Don't EVER smell your tampon
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
