my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
