i cant cry in cvs. not again.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
