I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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