When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
