so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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