I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize