My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
