your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just google imaged poop.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
