Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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